I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time
I hate being depressed. Everything feels bad….and about most things I have no feelings at all. Someone tells me something that would usually make me laugh, and I can barely muster a smile. I feel numb the majority of the time…until those moments when I am overwhelmed with sadness, then the tears start to fall. I feel so useless…hopeless…helpless…worthless. I cry out to God with the words from Psalm 13:
“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?”
I have noticed that in most (perhaps all? I haven’t gotten through all of them yet this year) of the Psalms where the writer calls out to God in agony, he ends in praise. No matter how awful his circumstances, he can be thankful and praise God for his life, for the goodness God has blessed him with in the past. Here is a place where I fail in a major way. I can’t see through to the other side. I know in my head that I will come out of this. I have done it over and over again. But in the thick of it, all I see is gray.
“Glycerine” by Bush
Kristi, I can’t necessarily relate, so I won’t try to nor will I pretend to. And I won’t attempt to fix it with a “hang in there” or a “God can get you through anything,” because I doubt that’s what you want to hear right now (even though I truly believe both those things). However, I do want to validate you as a person and just let you know that I hear you and I totally believe that your feelings are honest, genuine, real, and warranted.
I wish I could make it better, or that an offered ear could fix it all. But I know it’s not that simple. Instead, I’ll continue to lift you up in prayer to our Father. Keep on reading the Psalms. I’ve never particularly read them through, but it sounds like He’ll really speak to you through them.
Let me know if you need anything or if I can ever do anything for you. Sincerely. Please come to me. I’m always right here.
Kristi, how are you today? I saw you on FB and came here. I hope all is better since April. That a new day broke forth. That you found refreshment. That you are able to praise Him in the storm. Those mirey pits are the worst! Do let me know if I can help you.
Kim