I can get so stupid, and then I feel so useless.  But You’re saying You love me, and You’re still gonna hold me, and that You wanna be near me, ’cause You’re making me holy.

What a week.  I have no idea where to begin.  I don’t want to rehash all the little details…let’s suffice it to say that it was not one of my best.  I’m sure I’ve talked about it on here before.  It was one of those crashes, where little things build up over time until one thing sends me off the edge, and even though my life is pretty much the same, my perspective takes a dip and I am a terrible you-name-it…mother, wife, friend, Christian, daughter.  I loathe myself.  I feel like a failure at everything.  Thursday I was truly useless.  I lay in bed most of the day, crying on the phone with whoever would talk to me, staring at the walls.  Or sitting in the living room on my computer, playing mindless games.

I really hate that I do this.  Not a self-hate, at the moment, just a general sense of unfairness that my mind/body/hormones/chemicals do this to me, and my family suffers for it.  I don’t want to be this way.  It happens very rarely, but when it does, it’s awful.  I come out of it thinking that I’m not good for people.  I’m not a good friend.  Who wants to hear me whine and complain about my life all the time?  I’m not a good mother…my kids worry and ask why I’m crying.  I’m not a good wife….Brian comes home to find the house a mess, I’m still in my pajamas, and he has to cook & take care of the kids because I’m useless.  I wonder at my dreams to adopt more children….is that fair to add more kids to the mix?  Is that going to stress me out more, make those bad days come more often?  I wonder at my dreams to help teenage girls….what kind of example could I possibly be, anyway?  It is very discouraging.

I am back to a normal perspective level….yet I am still questioning a lot of things about my life.  I don’t like to question.  I am the queen of indecisiveness, and to start to question things that have already been decided is very bad for me.  I will wear myself out looking at all the angles and wondering whether I can make a good decision.  But I am praying about it.  I am trying to listen to God, to hear what He has to say about it.  I know He can make better decisions that I can.  I am putting my hope in Him, and Romans 5:5 says that hope does not disappoint.

“Clumsy” by Chris Rice