I decided to work journaling and blogging into my daily schedule.  So far, however, I have yet to spend a single day sticking to my daily schedule.  Plus, I’ve had this blog window open for a couple of days now, staring at it, trying to decide what I need to say.  So much has been going on, and there’s so much in my head….but I’m not sure how to get it out.  A lot of it can’t come out, not in a public forum like this.  It has caused me to feel very lost…like I don’t know where to turn, what to do, what to think, even what to say.  I’m trying very hard to work my way through it.  It is a slow process.

I went to a wedding Saturday night.  I had so very much fun.  I hung out with one of my favorite people, Susan.  We were each other’s “date” for the night.  We laughed a lot and danced until our old knees hurt.  I am sure some of the church folks there didn’t know what to think of me, but I do love to dance and enjoyed every minute of it.  I think that is a strong message I’m getting these days….to live in the moment.  I had a very smart woman tell me about an aspect of Buddhism that we could stand to learn from…how they live in the present.  No thinking about the future, no feeling sorry about the past.  Not even thinking about how the moment could be better…just living in it and enjoying it as it is.  I’ve been trying to do that, when I think about it.  :)  I was able to do it at the wedding.  I was just there, dancing, having fun, spending time with my friends.  Living.

It seems like so many things have been wrong lately, and I’ve been swallowed by it.  I just suffocate under the weight of all the bad, and I can’t catch a breath of good air.  I decided yesterday to just throw myself back into my routine.  It went really well, too.  I am just going to try to take it one day at a time.  Moment by moment, enjoying every one.   I downloaded a ton of songs when I got back from the Captivating retreat…worship songs I heard there and came to love.  I clicked on Remedy Drive’s album to get “All Along” and noticed they had a song called “Hope.”  I was fighting at the time to hold on to some hope….I felt hopeless so much of the time and I had told God I was just holding on to a sliver of hope, trying not to let go.  Also, Hope just happens to be my middle name.  So I clicked on the song, and what did I hear?  The chorus:  ”Hope’s not giving up.  Hope’s not giving up.  In the cold, dark night she’s not giving, not giving up.”  What a message!  Of course I instantly downloaded it.  It’s my new theme song.  I’m not giving up.

“Hope” by Remedy Drive