This past weekend I went to the Captivating Women’s retreat in Fraser, Colorado.  It was something I had looked forward to for months.  Brian has been to Wild at Heart Bootcamp twice, and he said it was totally worth it.  He had actually been trying to get me to go to Captivating for a few years, but I just wasn’t willing to spend that kind of money on myself.  This past fall, however, when I started to awaken again to real life, I decided it was time.  I applied but didn’t get in.  Then in the spring, I applied again (though honestly, at this point I didn’t care as much about going…I was already sliding back down into the pit of my “false self,” who just didn’t deserve any special trips or time away).  This time I was accepted, as was my friend Elle.  She emailed me and asked if I was going to go…because if I wasn’t, she wasn’t.  I told her I was in, and we spent the next few months emailing back and forth about rental cars, plane tickets, and general plans for the weekend.

The closer it got, the more excited I became.    I was ready.  God has blessed me with more travel this summer than I’ve had in the past 10 years or more.  I had high expectations for the retreat as well…I knew it had changed Brian’s life in some ways, so I was ready for that to happen to me.  My life needs some changes in a bad way.  I wanted to deepen my relationship with God.  I wanted something to bring me back to life again.  I began to feel it beforehand…I even tried to get my hair dyed pink before I left, but it wasn’t in the cards.  I never give my hairdresser enough notice.  It’s like I just decide one day, “I need a haircut and I need it NOW.”  But I digress…

The trip started off fine.  I’ve always enjoyed traveling, by car or plane.   During my layover in Memphis, I spotted Elle across the waiting area-we had no idea we were taking the same connecting flight!  We rearranged seats and sat together to Denver…and laughed most of the way there.  It felt good to laugh.  I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.  Once we landed, however, I started to withdraw.  We met other women headed to the retreat, and hung out with them until we got on the shuttle to take us to the retreat center.  Elle, a self-professed Social Butterfly, had no trouble striking up conversations with anyone and everyone.  I, on the other hand, often feel as if I have nothing anyone would want to hear.  So I don’t speak up.  I tried once or twice to engage someone in conversation, but felt I was failing miserably, so I gave up.

The retreat itself was amazing.  The area was beautiful, the accommodations were top-notch, and the food was outstanding.  I loved spending time out in nature, wandering in the woods or sitting amongst wildflowers.  It was gorgeous, peaceful, and refreshingly cool.  The camp was well laid out and beautifully landscaped.  It was hard to believe something that nice was intended mainly for teenagers!  I ate my fill at every home-cooked meal, from pancakes at breakfast to flank steak for supper…and lunch and dinner every day had dessert!!  My kinda place.  :)

The sessions were so good…we spent time in worship before each one (11 in all), then the women (and men twice) spoke and shared from their hearts.  You could tell it meant a lot to them, and that they had been where I am now.  They shed tears of emotion and everyone knew they were being genuine and open.  It is just an incredible message, every time I hear it.  And, like most women, I have to be told over and over again because I, like Cinderella, am known to run back to the cellar after I’ve danced with the prince!!  Sunday morning was an extended period of worship, and it was a very moving experience, being in a room of 300 + women, all singing and worshipping God together.

Now, the downside to it was that I was under severe spiritual attack the entire weekend.  I felt a full range of negative emotions, thoughts such as:  I didn’t belong there, no one wanted to get to know me, I had nothing to offer anyone, I wasn’t getting anything out of the retreat, therefore I wasn’t changing at all, I would be a disappointment to Brian, I had disappointed God too many times so He was done trying with me, etc. etc.  Saturday was the toughest for me, tough enough that only the tightwad in me made me keep going to sessions at all (I paid for it, so dang it, I was gonna go to every bit!).  By Sunday,  I was drained and just ready to go home.  I had 4 1/2 hours to sit in the airport, so I decided to catch up in my journal.  I hadn’t written anything since Thursday night.   As I wrote, and remembered all that had occurred, I realized that the weekend had not been a waste.  It was blessed in many ways.  I met two amazing women from California that made me smile every time I saw them.  I saw Elle be blessed beyond belief (just having that happen was worth the whole thing!).  I got to experience the beauty of the Rocky Mountains and get tons of photos.  I got to hear John and Stasi Eldredge speak, and even got to meet Stasi and have her pray for me!  And God whispered to my heart…not to give up all hope.  There is still more to come.

I’m still processing all of it.  There were many good things I took from it.  I’m more than happy to share more with anyone who wants more details….but I think this is enough for the general public.  :)  Overall….I would recommend to anyone that they should go.  It is an experience like no other.  You can see it touching lives.  Beauty being unveiled right before your eyes.  Watching God romance hearts all over the place.   I know He’ll come for mine soon.  And when He does, I’ll be ready and waiting.

Anyway by Martina McBride