When the time arrived last night, I was ready. A dozen girls from my two church homes came over, complete with side ponytails, legwarmers, shoulder pads, and jelly shoes. We had so much fun! We ate, laughed, watched movies (quoting practically every line and singing every song from “Dirty Dancing”), danced our little hearts out, made friendship bracelets, talked, and generally had the best girls night ever! I feel confident in saying that everyone who came had an absolute blast. I’m so glad I did it! I enjoyed every minute of it, even with our technological conveniences on the fritz! (DVD player and computer DVD player both wouldn’t work most of the night.)

I have said many times that I loved the 80s more than any other time in my life…if I could pick one year to revisit and live all over again it would be 1989. It was fun to remember the toys I played with, tv shows I watched, and just anything that held my attention at that time. It was fun to share that with other girls who I didn’t know then, but who have similar memories anyway. I love getting together with the girls. It is always fun.

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper

“Up All Night” by Slaughter

Lord, won’t you give me the strength to make it through somehow.

I’ve never been more homesick than now.      “Homesick” by MercyMe

Today would have been Randy’s 60th birthday.  We should have been having a silly party with videos and pictures and black decorations that said “Over the Hill.”  Instead, we had a quiet family dinner where Diane gave me a gift that Dad had bought for me before he died….a journal with a K on the front, all blinged out with pink rhinestones – to match my “nose thing.”

I miss him so much.  I miss his big hearty laugh filling the room.  I miss his corny jokes and plays on words.  I miss his big warm hugs and “I love you, girl.”  I miss seeing him do anything in the world the boys wanted to do.  He was such a good man.  More than anything else, I miss his acceptance.  He was one of the very few people in this world that I felt completely accepted by.  I knew beyond a doubt that he loved me unconditionally, with all my quirks.  He enjoyed my weird sense of humor because he had one too.  I could totally be myself, let it all hang out, and he would love me for it.  I miss that.  He was a safe place for me, a place that is gone now.  It hurts a lot and makes me miss him all the more.

I was shopping at Big Lots yesterday, looking for some cheap conditioner when a bottle of Flex caught my eye.  A bottle of what?  You may ask.  I know….I don’t recall hearing of it in the past 15 years or so.  I used it when I was a teenager, and let me tell you…when I saw that bottle, I snatched it up, flipped open the cap, and sniffed for all I was worth.  It whisked me back to 7th grade in an instant.  I bought it, of course.    Today my hair smells oh-so-flex-alicious.  How can a smell make me happy?  Aromatherapy at its best.

“I Wanna Go Back” by Eddie Money

My first grade year, the year before my family moved to Cameron, Missouri, we lived in an old farmhouse in Hendersonville, Tennessee.  I remember it being a pretty cool place to live.  There was a creek running beside it, and my brother and I loved catching tiny, tiny frogs in and around it.  We were able to witness firsthand all the stages of a frog’s life, including seeing two frogs stuck together laying and fertilizing eggs.  We got baby ducks for Easter that year, and they would waddle around and splash in the creek.  There was also a very cool rock formation out in the woods behind the house, just a wide, flat area that had probably been a wider creek bed in an earlier time.  We called it our play house, and we would spend hours out there playing make believe to our heart’s content.  We used various bits of nature (rocks, sticks, leaves, etc.) as well as a few toys to create our little world.  One of my favorite make-believe things was making “butter” by rubbing dandelions on a rock to make it yellow.

We jokingly called it the house “where you never bathe alone.”  It was pretty much true.  The house was very old, and not insulated.  All manner of small creatures lived with us, and invariably there were several bugs that had to be washed out of the tub before you could bathe.  A lot of mornings you would turn on the lights in a room and you could see slug trails across the carpet.  I had no idea then, but mom told me recently that we were very poor when we lived in that house.  We couldn’t afford to pay our gas bill, so we went without heat that winter.  She said that we lived in two rooms during that time, with blankets hung up to cover windows and doorways.  She cooked in the kitchen with gloves on, and it got so cold that the water froze in the toilets.  But for us kids, it was just an adventure.  I don’t remember being cold, or having a frozen toilet.  I certainly don’t remember being poor.  I do remember the blankets hung up, and the kerosene heater (the smell of which still whisks me back to childhood), but that’s about it.  I remember having fun, living in the country, being totally secure that my family was taking care of me.

It makes more sense to me now, why we moved away the next year.  Any job opportunity would have been better than going another winter without heat.  I’m just so proud of and thankful to my mom for keeping our troubles away from us kids, and letting us stay kids while we could.

“Flying Dreams” by Paul Williams (from The Secret of N.I.M.H.)

“How long, O LORD?  Will you forget me forever?How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?  How long will my enemy triumph over me?”

I have noticed that in most (perhaps all?  I haven’t gotten through all of them yet this year) of the Psalms where the writer calls out to God in agony, he ends in praise.  No matter how awful his circumstances, he can be thankful and praise God for his life, for the goodness God has blessed him with in the past.  Here is a place where I fail in a major way.  I can’t see through to the other side. I know in my head that I will come out of this.  I have done it over and over again.  But in the thick of it, all I see is gray.

“Glycerine”  by Bush

Now, traditionally, Easter Sunday is the day we dive back into whatever we gave up for Lent.  It is a day of celebration…Jesus rose so we could be free from it all!  Chocolate, nom nom nom!  Cokes…aaah!  Facebook…why yes, I’ll be a fan of that!  But then there’s…insecurity….yay?  Wait a second.  Insecurity should be given up permanently, right?  That’s what I thought.  But on Easter Sunday, I was devoured by my insecurity.  I literally ran and hid in it.  And it hasn’t quite left me alone since.  I don’t like this.  I thought that working on it diligently during Lent would make it easier to do away with.  I was wrong.  I know it is something I will always struggle with, at least a little, but I feel like I haven’t made any progress at all.

I sure am glad God sees even the tiniest of baby steps I take, and applauds each one as if I were walking on the moon.  Yeah, He loves me like that.  One day, I’ll learn to walk tall and straight and love myself like that.  But I sure the heck won’t let go of His hand.

“One Day Jesus” by Free Indeed

How often do I go about my business, knowing in my head that Jesus is with me….his Spirit resides inside me!…yet I feel so alone? My heart tells me I’m on my own, and it’s all up to me.  Not surprisingly, I almost always let myself down.  Elijah’s words have run through my mind almost daily since then.  I want to always remember that he is here.  Always.  He will never let me down or leave me alone.

“Never Alone” by Barlow Girl

I waited for you today
But you didn’t show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You’d be there
And though I haven’t seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I”m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can’t explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You’ve placed in my life

We cannot separate
‘Cause You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

“According to You” by Orianthi

According to you
I’m stupid…I’m useless
I cant do anything right
According to you
I’m difficult…hard to please
forever changing my mind
I’m a mess in a dress
can’t show up on time
even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible
he cant get me out of his head
According to him
I’m funny, irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don’t feel like stopping it
so baby tell me what I’ve got to lose
He’s into me for everything I’m not according to you

According to you
I’m boring…I’m moody
and you can’t take me any place
According to you
I suck at telling jokes ’cause I always give it away
I’m the girl with the worst attention span
you’re the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you

But according to him
I’m beautiful, incredible
he can’t get me out of his head
According to him
I’m funny, irresistable
everything he ever wanted
Everything is opposite
I don’t feel like stopping it
so baby tell me what I’ve got to lose
He’s into me for everything I’m not
according to you