We finally got snow this weekend!  It has been absolutely beautiful.  I love seeing my boys play in it.  I’ve witnessed sledding, snowball fights, snow angel creations, “painting” snow with colored water, and just general fun and mayhem in the white wonderland that is our yard.  We only have to make a snowman and that will be something checked off my life list for this year!!  I’ve taken lots of pictures of nature coated in snow and ice.  I’m so glad that my boys have gotten to experience it.

I have some wonderful memories of snow from when I was a child.  In Missouri, snow was quite a common occurrence.  I remember one house we lived in was shaped in a “U”.  The front door was in the bottom of the U, so there was a sort of courtyard made by the two parts of the house pointing up beside it.  When it would snow, there would be huge drifts in this courtyard.  Anthony and I would dig into them and make little caves to crawl around in or sit in, like our own private igloos.  It was so much fun.  Mom always made snow cream for us, and it tasted just as yummy as anything else she ever made for us.  I loved the snow.  It snowed a decent amount in Arkansas as well, when we lived there.  Here in Middle Tennessee….not so much.  So when it does snow, it is very special for me.

I walked around outside last night.  It was beautiful.  The full moon reflected off the white all around me, and it was like a magical blue world, where everything was quiet and clean and pure.  I looked at the frozen leaves on the Nandina bush.  Through the ice, you can still see the vibrant green and red of the leaves.  Even though it is frozen over, there is still life inside.  I feel like that’s a good representation of my heart sometimes.  I get so protective of myself, so afraid of being hurt that I put up my defenses, freeze my heart over so nothing will hurt it…no one will approach it.  But there is still life in there…vibrant colors of my inner beauty that can be seen through the frost.  The sun is going to melt all this snow over the next few days.  I am praying that God will continue to warm my heart so that the freeze there will be melted as well.

someone’s saying a prayer that we’ll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

I just watched the Help for Haiti Now telethon.  It was a very cool event…very moving performances, footage, stories.  One that really struck me was the woman who is trying to adopt a little girl from there.  She said she was just there with her but had to leave her because of the paperwork not being quite finished.  It made me angry to hear that.  I know of another very sweet family who has been trying to adopt their son from Haiti for almost 2 1/2 years now.  They started the process for him, then added a little girl.  She came home to them back in October, but he is still there.  STILL.  Even after this earthquake devastation.  I just don’t understand.  Why isn’t he with his family?

There were over 83,000 orphans in Haiti BEFORE the earthquake.  83,000!!!  I am just completely baffled as to how wanting to preserve the integrity of your national heritage, or getting financial gain, can have a higher priority than nearly a hundred thousand children.  BAFFLED.  It is completely beyond my comprehension.

It has always been a dream of mine to adopt.  In the past few years, it has grown to wanting to adopt many children, from many backgrounds and many countries.  I want to reach all over the world and gather my children home.

But, honestly, I am not sure how that is going to happen.  We have had adoption agencies not return our calls.  We have had adoption training sessions cancelled.  We have been told that we can’t adopt because we already have children.  We have had a private adoption fall through.  We have had the state tell us we must foster for 6 months to be eligible to adopt, and yet they didn’t give us any children to foster.  We have looked into international adoption and the requirements are quite staggering.  I don’t know how anyone can afford to take weeks and sometimes months off from work to adopt, while spending tens of thousands of dollars at the same time.

I’m not sure where I am going will all this…I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.  It is SO frustrating.  It makes me feel helpless and angry, sad and broken.  I want to make a difference in some children’s lives.  If something were to happen to Brian and me, I would want my children to QUICKLY go to someone else who would love them.  I wouldn’t want there to be years of paperwork while they suffered in an orphanage or foster care.  I wouldn’t want them to be sold for thousands upon thousands of dollars.  I would want them to be loved.

“Somewhere Out There” by Linda Rondstadt and James Ingram

I can get so stupid, and then I feel so useless.  But You’re saying You love me, and You’re still gonna hold me, and that You wanna be near me, ’cause You’re making me holy.

What a week.  I have no idea where to begin.  I don’t want to rehash all the little details…let’s suffice it to say that it was not one of my best.  I’m sure I’ve talked about it on here before.  It was one of those crashes, where little things build up over time until one thing sends me off the edge, and even though my life is pretty much the same, my perspective takes a dip and I am a terrible you-name-it…mother, wife, friend, Christian, daughter.  I loathe myself.  I feel like a failure at everything.  Thursday I was truly useless.  I lay in bed most of the day, crying on the phone with whoever would talk to me, staring at the walls.  Or sitting in the living room on my computer, playing mindless games.

I really hate that I do this.  Not a self-hate, at the moment, just a general sense of unfairness that my mind/body/hormones/chemicals do this to me, and my family suffers for it.  I don’t want to be this way.  It happens very rarely, but when it does, it’s awful.  I come out of it thinking that I’m not good for people.  I’m not a good friend.  Who wants to hear me whine and complain about my life all the time?  I’m not a good mother…my kids worry and ask why I’m crying.  I’m not a good wife….Brian comes home to find the house a mess, I’m still in my pajamas, and he has to cook & take care of the kids because I’m useless.  I wonder at my dreams to adopt more children….is that fair to add more kids to the mix?  Is that going to stress me out more, make those bad days come more often?  I wonder at my dreams to help teenage girls….what kind of example could I possibly be, anyway?  It is very discouraging.

I am back to a normal perspective level….yet I am still questioning a lot of things about my life.  I don’t like to question.  I am the queen of indecisiveness, and to start to question things that have already been decided is very bad for me.  I will wear myself out looking at all the angles and wondering whether I can make a good decision.  But I am praying about it.  I am trying to listen to God, to hear what He has to say about it.  I know He can make better decisions that I can.  I am putting my hope in Him, and Romans 5:5 says that hope does not disappoint.

“Clumsy” by Chris Rice

Noah had his first sleepover last night.  He was so excited, he made a list of all the things they were going to do.  As soon as Jordan got here, Noah showed him the list and they started on it.  They popped in a movie, sat in the floor and I fed them pancakes for supper (Noah’s request).  Then they had popcorn, then cotton candy!  (Sorry Elizabeth!)  They played with toys, had fun with the dog, then we pulled out the sleeper sofa and they snuggled in to play on Jordan’s portable video games.  They stayed up way later than Noah ever gets to.

This morning we woke up to a fresh white blanket of snow on the ground.  It was beautiful!  They went outside as soon as breakfast was finished, but didn’t stay out long.  One of them made a snow angel.

They spent the rest of their time playing Wii.  I think Noah had a blast….I know he wore himself out, as he fell asleep on the couch by 7:30.

I have always enjoyed sleepovers (or slumber parties, as they are called for girls).  From my 11th birthday party to lock-ins in high school, ladies’ retreats as an adult, and my girls’ weekend this summer….it’s just so much fun to stay up late, eat too much junk, and laugh with other girls.    I remember so many nights of playing games, dancing, fixing hair and nails, telling secrets, pulling pranks, watching movies, and who knows what else.  I look forward to more of them as I continue to recapture my childlike inner spirit.

I loved seeing that joy on my son’s face, knowing this is the first of many sleepovers, hoping he will look back and savor those moments the way I do.

“Up All Night” by Slaughter

I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Several years ago Brian and I started making a list of things we wanted to do in our lives.  We don’t call it a “bucket list” (things we want to do before we kick the bucket), but a “life list” of things we desire to do to bring life, to live our lives to the full.  A little over a year ago I updated mine and added several items.  I also copied from my friend Elle and made a specific list of things I would do in 2009.  I didn’t do too badly at it, completing a little over half.  It is a fun thing to do, and I am one who enjoys marking things off a list.  2009 was a great year for me in experiencing new things.  I don’t know if that had anything to do with my list or not, but I do know it was because I am being more deliberate about experiencing life the way God intended me to.  One of those is to blog weekly, which was one from last year.  This time I am serious!  Brian will be updating my page soon, giving it a new look, and I’m going to stick to it.  So, without further ado, here is my list for 2010:

1. Blog at least once a week.
2. Lose 10 pounds and more if possible.
3. Drive north until we find enough snow to make snow angels and build a snowman.
4. Learn what God would have me give up for Lent and do it.
5. Eat at the Loveless Café
6. Finish list of 100 good things God has done in my life
7. Go on an overnight hiking trip with my family
8. Take a weekend away with a girlfriend (or 4)
9. See how many people I can stuff into a phone booth
10. Make at least one Christmas gift every month
11. Finish 2 scrapbooks
12. Dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly (after #2 is complete)
13. Learn the Thriller Dance
14. Dance barefoot in a fountain
15. Learn to play Bella’s Lullaby
16. Visit at least one new state
17. Spend a day alone with God
18. Do an unexpected (and, if possible, secret) thing for someone
19. Complete the St. Jude’s half marathon
20. Read at least 45 books.

January – A Full House of Growing Pains by Barbara Cameron, Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom, Woman First Family Always by Kathryn Sansone, Tricks and Burned by Ellen Hopkins, Shades of Blue by Karen Kingsbury

You can find my master list as well as 2009’s list under “Life List.”

It wasn’t on my list last year, but I did face my fear of heights in Colorado by riding the “Claim Jumper,”  a free-fall swing that was absolutely terrifying and exhilarating.  I also ziplined in Montana.

“I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead” by Bon Jovi

Noah has begged us for months to go to this new drive-thru car wash in town.  We always put him off….we tend to not pay for things we can do ourselves.  We wash our cars in our own driveway…and use that $5 for something else.  But Noah continues to ask.  Friday the van got covered in bird poop.  It was crazy.  When Brian commented on it, of course Noah piped up that we could go to that car wash.  So we did, just to make him happy.

It is amazing how much fun you can make out of a simple everyday thing.  We joked and laughed as we went through….teasing about rolling down windows, or jumping out of the way when the cloths hit the windows.  Then when we got out, they had free vacuums to clean the interior.  We pulled up in a spot that had another empty beside it, so Brian and I both got a vacuum, one on each side, and went to work.  Then we started teasing the boys, sucking their clothes and their hair.  I started quoting Wayne’s World.  ”It sucks, as it cuts!”  ”It certainly does suck.”  We sucked the boys’ hair up into weird shapes.  We were all laughing so much.  I loved it and we all drove off as happy as could be.  Joy in a car wash.

I can’t remember the last time I spent a better $5.

“Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen

I’ve been getting a lot of messages about relationships lately, in books I’m reading, classes, sermons, and other places.  I’m actually attending a fabulous women’s class right now that is for all the women at my church, on Wednesday nights, about connections.  We’re working to get to know other people and find reasons to connect with women of all ages, because we have things in common….we just have to figure out what they are!!

I have always felt a little guilty when I’ve had to answer the “hobbies/interests” question in any capacity.  I do love to read, but I’ve never taken up any kind of hobby.  I don’t sew, bowl, do yoga, scrapbook, knit, decorate…I am sure the list could go on.  I’ve just always felt like there was something a little wrong with me, because I didn’t have a hobby, some little “me” thing that I did just for myself that I enjoyed.

This week, I have come to the realization that I DO have a hobby.  My hobby is relationships.  I enjoy spending time with friends and family.  I love Facebook because it allows me to maintain relationships that I have lost over the years.  I enjoy knowing what is going on in people’s lives, seeing pictures of their families or their vacations.  I love getting together with people and just hanging out.  I would do a girl’s night out every week if  my friends could oblige me.  I truly enjoy talking on the phone (even if the one of us is shopping and all we’re talking about is kinds of juice), visiting with people after church, and anything else I can do to spend time with people I love.

John and Stasi Eldredge talk about relationships in their book, Captivating.  They say that one of the ways that God made women in His image is that we are relational to our core.  Relationships matter to women more than anything else…they are how we define ourselves.  God desires relationship with us, and we are made to desire relationships with others.  In fact, in Genesis 1 when God gave Adam and Eve their  mission as humans, each element of it – creating, exploring, nurturing – was meant to be done TOGETHER.

I know this is deeply true for me.  Relationships with people touch me in a very deep place.  They always have.  I no longer think there is something wrong with me for feeling that way.  It is one of the ways I look like God.  I’m proud to have it as my hobby.

“You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by Randy Newman

I decided to work journaling and blogging into my daily schedule.  So far, however, I have yet to spend a single day sticking to my daily schedule.  Plus, I’ve had this blog window open for a couple of days now, staring at it, trying to decide what I need to say.  So much has been going on, and there’s so much in my head….but I’m not sure how to get it out.  A lot of it can’t come out, not in a public forum like this.  It has caused me to feel very lost…like I don’t know where to turn, what to do, what to think, even what to say.  I’m trying very hard to work my way through it.  It is a slow process.

I went to a wedding Saturday night.  I had so very much fun.  I hung out with one of my favorite people, Susan.  We were each other’s “date” for the night.  We laughed a lot and danced until our old knees hurt.  I am sure some of the church folks there didn’t know what to think of me, but I do love to dance and enjoyed every minute of it.  I think that is a strong message I’m getting these days….to live in the moment.  I had a very smart woman tell me about an aspect of Buddhism that we could stand to learn from…how they live in the present.  No thinking about the future, no feeling sorry about the past.  Not even thinking about how the moment could be better…just living in it and enjoying it as it is.  I’ve been trying to do that, when I think about it.  :)  I was able to do it at the wedding.  I was just there, dancing, having fun, spending time with my friends.  Living.

It seems like so many things have been wrong lately, and I’ve been swallowed by it.  I just suffocate under the weight of all the bad, and I can’t catch a breath of good air.  I decided yesterday to just throw myself back into my routine.  It went really well, too.  I am just going to try to take it one day at a time.  Moment by moment, enjoying every one.   I downloaded a ton of songs when I got back from the Captivating retreat…worship songs I heard there and came to love.  I clicked on Remedy Drive’s album to get “All Along” and noticed they had a song called “Hope.”  I was fighting at the time to hold on to some hope….I felt hopeless so much of the time and I had told God I was just holding on to a sliver of hope, trying not to let go.  Also, Hope just happens to be my middle name.  So I clicked on the song, and what did I hear?  The chorus:  ”Hope’s not giving up.  Hope’s not giving up.  In the cold, dark night she’s not giving, not giving up.”  What a message!  Of course I instantly downloaded it.  It’s my new theme song.  I’m not giving up.

“Hope” by Remedy Drive

I have been bestowed a gift that I am super excited about…and the best part is that I am required to share the joy!  It is a pay-it-forward contest….I am going to receive a gift, hand made just for me, and in return I must do the same for five of my friends.  So the first five people who respond to this post will get a little goodie hand made by me.  The rules are as follows:

1.  You must respond to this message with a comment that includes your email address or some way for me to contact you.

2.  You must post something on your blog/facebook/myspace page to pay it forward yourself and make 5 gifts for the first 5 responders.

3.  I will make something for you by Christmas of this year….it will be made with love but I can’t guarantee you’ll love it!  (Especially if I don’t know you very well.)

I hope it’s as much fun for you as it has been for me already!

“The Sharing Song” by Jack Johnson

This past weekend I went to the Captivating Women’s retreat in Fraser, Colorado.  It was something I had looked forward to for months.  Brian has been to Wild at Heart Bootcamp twice, and he said it was totally worth it.  He had actually been trying to get me to go to Captivating for a few years, but I just wasn’t willing to spend that kind of money on myself.  This past fall, however, when I started to awaken again to real life, I decided it was time.  I applied but didn’t get in.  Then in the spring, I applied again (though honestly, at this point I didn’t care as much about going…I was already sliding back down into the pit of my “false self,” who just didn’t deserve any special trips or time away).  This time I was accepted, as was my friend Elle.  She emailed me and asked if I was going to go…because if I wasn’t, she wasn’t.  I told her I was in, and we spent the next few months emailing back and forth about rental cars, plane tickets, and general plans for the weekend.

The closer it got, the more excited I became.    I was ready.  God has blessed me with more travel this summer than I’ve had in the past 10 years or more.  I had high expectations for the retreat as well…I knew it had changed Brian’s life in some ways, so I was ready for that to happen to me.  My life needs some changes in a bad way.  I wanted to deepen my relationship with God.  I wanted something to bring me back to life again.  I began to feel it beforehand…I even tried to get my hair dyed pink before I left, but it wasn’t in the cards.  I never give my hairdresser enough notice.  It’s like I just decide one day, “I need a haircut and I need it NOW.”  But I digress…

The trip started off fine.  I’ve always enjoyed traveling, by car or plane.   During my layover in Memphis, I spotted Elle across the waiting area-we had no idea we were taking the same connecting flight!  We rearranged seats and sat together to Denver…and laughed most of the way there.  It felt good to laugh.  I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.  Once we landed, however, I started to withdraw.  We met other women headed to the retreat, and hung out with them until we got on the shuttle to take us to the retreat center.  Elle, a self-professed Social Butterfly, had no trouble striking up conversations with anyone and everyone.  I, on the other hand, often feel as if I have nothing anyone would want to hear.  So I don’t speak up.  I tried once or twice to engage someone in conversation, but felt I was failing miserably, so I gave up.

The retreat itself was amazing.  The area was beautiful, the accommodations were top-notch, and the food was outstanding.  I loved spending time out in nature, wandering in the woods or sitting amongst wildflowers.  It was gorgeous, peaceful, and refreshingly cool.  The camp was well laid out and beautifully landscaped.  It was hard to believe something that nice was intended mainly for teenagers!  I ate my fill at every home-cooked meal, from pancakes at breakfast to flank steak for supper…and lunch and dinner every day had dessert!!  My kinda place.  :)

The sessions were so good…we spent time in worship before each one (11 in all), then the women (and men twice) spoke and shared from their hearts.  You could tell it meant a lot to them, and that they had been where I am now.  They shed tears of emotion and everyone knew they were being genuine and open.  It is just an incredible message, every time I hear it.  And, like most women, I have to be told over and over again because I, like Cinderella, am known to run back to the cellar after I’ve danced with the prince!!  Sunday morning was an extended period of worship, and it was a very moving experience, being in a room of 300 + women, all singing and worshipping God together.

Now, the downside to it was that I was under severe spiritual attack the entire weekend.  I felt a full range of negative emotions, thoughts such as:  I didn’t belong there, no one wanted to get to know me, I had nothing to offer anyone, I wasn’t getting anything out of the retreat, therefore I wasn’t changing at all, I would be a disappointment to Brian, I had disappointed God too many times so He was done trying with me, etc. etc.  Saturday was the toughest for me, tough enough that only the tightwad in me made me keep going to sessions at all (I paid for it, so dang it, I was gonna go to every bit!).  By Sunday,  I was drained and just ready to go home.  I had 4 1/2 hours to sit in the airport, so I decided to catch up in my journal.  I hadn’t written anything since Thursday night.   As I wrote, and remembered all that had occurred, I realized that the weekend had not been a waste.  It was blessed in many ways.  I met two amazing women from California that made me smile every time I saw them.  I saw Elle be blessed beyond belief (just having that happen was worth the whole thing!).  I got to experience the beauty of the Rocky Mountains and get tons of photos.  I got to hear John and Stasi Eldredge speak, and even got to meet Stasi and have her pray for me!  And God whispered to my heart…not to give up all hope.  There is still more to come.

I’m still processing all of it.  There were many good things I took from it.  I’m more than happy to share more with anyone who wants more details….but I think this is enough for the general public.  :)  Overall….I would recommend to anyone that they should go.  It is an experience like no other.  You can see it touching lives.  Beauty being unveiled right before your eyes.  Watching God romance hearts all over the place.   I know He’ll come for mine soon.  And when He does, I’ll be ready and waiting.

Anyway by Martina McBride